Steve Buscemi: Carl Showalter
Airport Lot Attendant : There's a minimum charge of four dollars. Long-term parking charges by the day.
Carl Showalter : I guess you think you're... you know, like an authority figure, with that stupid fuckin' uniform, huh buddy? King clip-on-tie there, big fuckin' man, huh? You know these are the limits of your life, man! The rule of your little fuckin' gate here!
[gives the attendant the money]
Carl Showalter : Here's your four dollars, you pathetic piece of shit!
Carl Showalter : Who the fuck are you?
[Wade doesn't answer]
Carl Showalter : WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Wade Gustafson : I got your damn money. Now, where's my daughter?
Carl Showalter : I am through fuckin' around here! Drop that fuckin' briefcase!
Wade Gustafson : Where's my daughter?
Carl Showalter : Fuck you, man! Where's Jerry? I gave simple fuckin' instructions!
Wade Gustafson : Where's my damn daughter? No Jean, no money!
Carl Showalter : Drop that fuckin' money!
Wade Gustafson : No Jean, no money!
Carl Showalter : Is this a fuckin' joke here?
Wade Gustafson : [as he sinks to his knees and falls back] Aww, Jeez.
Carl Showalter : Happy now, asshole? What's with you people? Ya fuckin' imbeciles!
[as Carl reaches for the briefcase, Wade shoots him in the face]
Carl Showalter : Ah! You fuckin' shot me!
[Carl shoots Wade six more times, screams, then kicks the dead Wade twice]
Carl Showalter : You fuck!
Jerry Lundegaard : Well, that's it then. Here are the keys.
Carl Showalter : No, that's not it, Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard : Huh?
Carl Showalter : The new vehicle plus $40,000.
Jerry Lundegaard : Yah, the deal was the car first then the $40,000 as if it was the ransom. I thought Shep told you that.
Carl Showalter : Shep didn't tell us much, Jerry. Except that you were gonna be here at 7:30.
Jerry Lundegaard : Yah, I'm sorry. That was a mix up.
Carl Showalter : Yeah, you already said that.
Jerry Lundegaard : Yah, but this is not a whole pay in advance deal. You see, I give you a brand new vehicle in advance and...
Carl Showalter : I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard : Okay.
Carl Showalter : I'm not gonna sit here and debate.
Carl Showalter : [irately, over the phone] Alright, Jerry, I'm through fuckin' around! You got the fuckin' money?
Jerry Lundegaard : [into the phone] Yeah, I got the money, but... uh...
Carl Showalter : Don't you fuckin' fuck me, Jerry! I want you to get this money to the parking garage at the Dayton Radisson, top level, in 30 minutes, Jerry. We wrap this thing up.
Jerry Lundegaard : Yeah, but...
Carl Showalter : Hey, you're there in 30 minutes, Jerry, or I find you, Jerry, and I shoot you and I shoot your fuckin' wife and I shoot all your fuckin' children and I shoot them all in the back of their little fuckin' heads! You got it?
Jerry Lundegaard : Okay, now you stay away from Scotty, now.
Jerry Lundegaard : [answering the phone] Jerry Lundegaard.
Carl Showalter : [voice over the phone] Alright, Jerry, you got the phone to yourself? Are you alone?
Jerry Lundegaard : [into the phone] Well, yeah.
Carl Showalter : [voice] You know who this is?
Jerry Lundegaard : Well, yeah, I got an idea. How's that Ciera working out for ya?
Carl Showalter : [voice] Circumstances have changed, Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard : Well, what do ya mean?
Carl Showalter : [voice] Things have changed, circumstances, Jerry... force majeure, acts of God.
Jerry Lundegaard : How's Jean?
Carl Showalter : [puzzled] Who's Jean?
Jerry Lundegaard : My wife! What the-?
Carl Showalter : [voice] Oh... right. She's alright, but there's a few people in Brainerd who aren't so okay, I'll tell you that.
Jerry Lundegaard : What the heck are ya talking about? Let's just finish this deal up here.
Carl Showalter : [voice] Blood has been shed, Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard : What the heck do ya mean?
Carl Showalter : [voice] Three people, in Brainerd... are dead.
Jerry Lundegaard : Oh, jeez!
Carl Showalter : [voice] That's right, we need more money.
Jerry Lundegaard : What the heck are ya talking about? What do you fellas have yourself mixed up in?
Carl Showalter : [voice] Never mind that. We need more money...
Jerry Lundegaard : [interrupting] This was supposed to be a no rough stuff type deal!
Carl Showalter : [angry] DON'T EVER INTERRUPT ME, JERRY! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Jerry Lundegaard : Well, I'm sorry, but I just... I don't...
Carl Showalter : [voice] I'm not gonna debate with you on this, Jerry! I'm not gonna debate! Three people in Brainerd were killed last night. We now want the entire 80,000!
Jerry Lundegaard : Oh, for chris'sake here!
Jerry Lundegaard : I'm, uh, Jerry Lundegaard.
Carl Showalter : You're Jerry Lundegaard?
Jerry Lundegaard : Ya. Shep Proudfoot said...
Carl Showalter : Shep said you'd be here at 7:30. What gives, man?
Jerry Lundegaard : Shep said 8:30.
Carl Showalter : We've been sitting here an hour. He's
[motioning to Gaer]
Carl Showalter : peed three times already.
Jerry Lundegaard : I'm sure sorry. Shep told me 8:30. It was a mix-up, I guess.
Gaear Grimsrud : Where is pancakes house?
Carl Showalter : What?
Gaear Grimsrud : We stop at pancakes house.
Carl Showalter : What... are you nuts? We had pancakes for breakfast. Gotta go to a place I can get a shot and a beer, steak, maybe, not more fuckin' pancakes, c'mon.
[Gaear just stares at Carl]
Carl Showalter : Oh, come on, man! Okay, here's an idea: we can stop outside of Brainerd. I know a place there we can get laid. Whaddya think?
Gaear Grimsrud : I'm fucking hungry now, you know!
Carl Showalter : Yeah yeah Jesus, I'm sayin' we can... stop, get pancakes and then we'll get laid, alright?
[Gaear glares briefly]
Carl Showalter : [entering cabin, with shot-up face] You should see the other guy.
Carl Showalter : [he sees Jean Lundegaard's dead body] What the fuck happened to her?
Gaear Grimsrud : [watching TV and eating TV dinner] Uh, she started shrieking, y'know. She wouldn't stop...
Carl Showalter : Geesus. Well, it doesn't matter. I got the money. All of it. All eighty grand.
Carl Showalter : [he puts a couple stacks of bills down on table] That's forty for you, forty for me.
[Grimsrud pokes at the stacks of bills with his fork]
Carl Showalter : [puts a set of keys next to the money] That's it, then. You can have my truck. Here's the keys. I'm takin' the Ciera.
Gaear Grimsrud : We split that.
Carl Showalter : [pause] How the fuck do you split a fuckin' car, ya dummy? With a fuckin' chainsaw?
Gaear Grimsrud : One of us pays the other for half.
Carl Showalter : Hold on! No fuckin' way! You fuckin' notice this? I got fuckin' shot! I got fuckin' shot in the face! I went and got the fuckin' money. I got shot fuckin' picking it up! I've been up for thirty-six fuckin' hours! I'm taking' that fuckin' car! That fucker's mine, you fuckin' asshole!
[as usual, no response from Grimsrud]
Carl Showalter : You know, I've been listening to your fuckin' bullshit all week! Are we square?
[no response from Grimsrud who continues staring at the TV]
Carl Showalter : [flashing his gun] Are WE square?
Carl Showalter : Yeah, ya fuckin' mute. And if you see your friend Shep Proudfoot, tell him I'm gonna nail his fuckin' ass!
[he exits angrily toward the Ciera; after a few seconds, Grimsrud follows him out the door with an axe in hand]
Carl Showalter : [Showalter turns and sees Grimsrud striding toward him, axe raised] Oh no! Aaaaaah!
[Grimsrud brings the axe down toward Carl's neck]
Carl Showalter : Would it... kill you to say something? "No." That's the first thing you've said in the last four hours. That's a... that's fountain of conversation, man. That's a geyser. I mean, whoa daddy! Stand back, man. Shit. I'm sitting here driving. Doing all the driving, man. The whole fucking way from Brainard driving. Just trying to... chat, you know. Keep our spirits up, fight the boredom of the road, and you can't say one fucking thing just in the way of conversation. Oh fuck it. I don't have to talk to you either, man. See how you like it. Just total fucking silence. Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it. Total silence.
Carl Showalter : [Shep Proudfoot, enraged, bursts into apartment and knocks Carl out of bed while having sex with hooker] Shep, whatthefuckyadoin'? I'm banging that girl!
Carl Showalter : I decided not to park there.
Carl Showalter : Oh, fuck it, I don't have to talk, either, man! See how you like it. Just total fuckin' silence. Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it. Total silence.
Carl Showalter : Just keep it still back there, lady, or we're going to have to, you know, shoot you.
[as Shep angrily approaches Carl]
Carl Showalter : You stay away from me, man! Hey, smoke a fuckin' peace pipe!
Carl Showalter : [voice] Three people were killed last night in Brainerd. We're in a load of trouble, Jerry. I'm comin' there tomorrow. You have the money ready by then.
Jerry Lundegaard : [into the phone] Now, we had a deal. A deal's a deal.
Carl Showalter : [voice] Is it, Jerry? Why don't you ask those three poor souls in Brainerd if a deal's a deal? Go ahead, ask them!
Jerry Lundegaard : [into the phone] The heck do ya mean?
Carl Showalter : [mimicking Jerry mockingly] "The heckya mean?" I'll call you tomorrow!
Carl Showalter : Whoa Daddy.
Carl Showalter : You know, it's proven that second-hand smoke is, uh, carcin-... uh, you know, cancer related.
Jerry Lundegaard : You see, my wife's dad is real well off.
Carl Showalter : So, why don't you just ask him for the money?
Gaear Grimsrud : Or your fucking wife, you know.
Carl Showalter : Or your fuckin' wife, Jerry?
Jerry Lundegaard : Well, it's all part of... look, the thing is they don't know that I'm in trouble. My wife and father-in-law don't know I need money. And if they did... I still won't get it. Okay? These are personal matters.
Carl Showalter : Personal matters? Okay, you're tasking us to perform this mission, but you won't tell us what... oh, fuck it. Let's have a look at the Ciera.
Carl Showalter : [banging on the TV] Come on, plug me into the ozone, baby, come on!
Carl Showalter : I'm not gonna debate you.